A reflection of where I am at......
I have been asked many times how I am doing....I have not liked that question as I wasn't sure..now I am starting to focus on how I am feeling and doing...and I know tomorrow this may change.
I have worked on staying busy...and keeping things in the home in an orderly manner...knowing that letting up on this will create disorder and all that is not how I want to live....
Somewhere in the hugging and all I got a very nasty cold that has settled in my chest...I seem to fall asleep a lot so rest is what I need....
My fears around the finances are ones that I am addressing rather than avoiding ...it will be much easier when some sales occur and all but it is not something I spend a lot of time stressing over...
I am in a much different emotional state of being around Linda's death than where I thought I would be...initially I was in a state of despair..in fact this occurred immediately following the time when she said "enough"....and my focus was on myself....
In reflection, I have been proud of Linda..very very proud..she did it her way...didn't suffer..made decisions of how she wanted to live her life and I respect and admire her for that..perhaps it is this admiration that carries me forward...I am paying attention ....the though has been put forward that I have been grieving for a long time...maybe there is something to that...
I am being real..that is, I am checking in with myself to make sure I am not putting up facades and all...am I being real with all this...being vulnerable....being open to my feeling and all...I believe I am.
I have signed up for a Wings back up position for a seminar next week...Wings is a great place to get in touch with my feelings and be open to the moment....
I have been fed a lot of dinners and folks are making sure I am not alone much...I have had some very special time with a very special person and hope that continues...the kids have been great....
Tomorrow I begin the sharing by Linda's 5 special friends who spoke at the Celebration...good stuff...you will like it....
Finally thank you for the cards and cards and cards and good thoughts.....each was special...please accept this special thanks to you....
Keep the Blog comments going.....they are nurturing....
I am going where my heart leads me....Dave
Friday, January 28, 2011
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2 comments:
When my mom died, I never had that big moment of grieving. At least, not in the way that others expected me to have it. The big, demonstrative breakdown of grief. I even had people tell me they were wondering when it would finally come out. I think those people just didn't realize that when someone is sick as long as mom was (or as long as Linda was), you kind of go through that grieving process throughout the journey. You come to terms with the idea of what is likely going to happen in the end. So, when it does happen, it's not a huge shock, it's not startling. It's different, it's weird, it's sad, but it's not a surprise. I never had that big breakdown. I just kept living my life and doing the best I could to incorporate this new reality into my everyday existence. Surely, there are times, even now 7 years later, when I realize how much I miss mom. There are times when I cry for a bit. But, mostly, I just live. And I remember that we never know how long we're going to have, so why hold back? Get out and live life. There's way to much left to do.
Dave, go and live your life the best you can. Bring Linda with you in your heart, wherever you go. Your reality has changed and you have been changed, but you still have much to do, much to enjoy, in your life.
I know that all the expressions of love from friends and family will help you now, as you adjust to life without Linda. And I know that you are a strong and intelligent man and you will be happy and content again before too long. You're going to be fine, Dave. I know that without a doubt.
My love to you, Dave, now and always.
Hang in there Dave- You are not alone. We all miss sweet Linda dearly. She was a gem. You are doing a good job of taking care of yourself and that is important. We are all here for all of you ..always ;-)
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